Crafting the Art of Adult Friendships

I sat, phone in hand, on a handmade wooden bench topped with a thin layer of covered foam. It was 11am Eastern African time.

My face was getting hotter than the air around it, and the air around it was hot. A few big tears swelled up and out onto my cheeks. "Not at work!" I thought, scolding myself. From miles and miles away over a WhatsApp call, my longest friend had for lack of a better term: broken up with me. That was it. Years, sleepovers, hours spent in the card aisle trying to find the perfect one, all only to leave another opening on my modest roster of adult friendships.

This was my welcome sign into the looming dark post-college era of making new friends. Like the elementary playground all over again, except square one felt a lot scarier as rejection from full-blown adults.

That was a few years ago. And since then I've entered into practiced prayer and awareness of building friendships. My learning curve is slow, but there are a few things on hand we can all take advantage of.

#1 You get to pick what your friendships are, based on now.

After several counseling sessions, my therapist kindly pointed out to me that I was trying to save friendships that were built upon premises long past. We don't go to school anymore, we share very few similar interests. And while many of these kinds of friendships live on, and beautifully so, when looking to build anew check for commonalities you want to invest in.

A few I've found incredibly fulfilling commonalities I’ve taken advantage of Investing in friendships with others who have small businesses, spending time with other young married women, and finding rest with others in ministry.

These are mine, what are yours? Getting to know people who can relate to some of my most intimate moments has proved valuable when looking to build.

#2 You know how to consult the Holy Spirit, now.

This one is for my faith audience, but look, when I was in college I wanted to have fun. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to feel seen. Almost every motivator for my friendships was based entirely on my immediate wants. Now? Now, I know how to pray. Now I know how to ask God who is wise for me to invest in, and who may cause tension down the road. Prayer and discernment have become some of my greatest assets in adult friendships and I'm sure they have saved me even more heartache than if ignored.

#3 You know how to forgive, now.

I am not here to say all friendships are for all time. I am here to say you may be missing a few due to an inability to forgive. Knowing when to fight for a friendship and knowing when to let go is a matter of prayer. But knowing when to forgive is a matter of always. Whether you are walking away from a friendship that expired or looking to breathe new life into one that's going off track, forgiveness is the blurring effect for life. It smooths out rough edges that might otherwise cause distraction. It gives the main point (your friendship!) a shot a being the main point. It's hard, but it's magic if you let it.

Today, I'm still having the same conversations in my head. My husband and I lay in bed asking questions of one another like, "...but my heart wants this of people" "..how can I be that to people?" and on and on. Good, deep, longings that must be kept on the leash of truth. And the truth proves we can't always fill everyone's hopes and neither can they for us. We will do our best in the seasons we are in. And when we want to feel everything all at once from someone, hope and guidance and acceptance and instruction, we go to Christ. The only one who can meet the deepest parts of what we want.

What’s proved valuable for you when finding/investing in adult friendships? Comment Below!