The Four Loves + Us

This post is posted in its fullest form in the BeVivacious Spring 2021 issue.

In his book “The Four Loves” C.S. Lewis smartly wrote, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” He knew what we would all learn. And while it’s that simple, in reality, lifetimes are lived within this paragraph.

The journey to vulnerability is a narrow and dangerous path. Our search for Biblically rooted relationships is wise. And it begins for many, where it began for Camilo and myself, in friendship.

Philia Love

I met Camilo during my first year of college. If you’re thinking it was love at first sight, I’m almost sure we both forgot about each other that day. Nothing of the sort but me, a Freshman trying to make friends in a new place. He was a few years into college and had started a college ministry to clarify who Jesus really is to students on campus. Within a few months, I had joined that ministry and Camilo and I’s friendship was born. We spent college just as you should: staying up way too late talking about everything under the sun, diving into scripture, believing in one another’s dreams, and eating terrible dining hall food.

Every path and relationship is different, but I have to say I’m grateful that this was our foundation. Our first major interactions weren’t dates. They weren’t us looking to be impressive. We grew in a sweet blind friend love. Brother and sister in Christ. And established our first love, philia.

Eros Love

Lewis distinguishes Eros from lust as the difference of wanting a woman and wanting a particular woman. As you can guess, this is where it get’s interesting. If you’ve ever been in love you know the rush of emotion and excitement that comes along with it. It didn’t take very long for both Camilo and I to agree, there might be something between us.

We were excited, nervous, and timid to disturb the friendship we had built. But with a lot of prayer and community support we decided to step into a more serious relationship. And sweet as it was at first, we quickly learned this type of love was much more difficult to manage.

Growing up in church I was taught very early on not to have sex until you’re married. Camilo and I made that a priority to preserve that belief, but what neither of us were ever taught was of the equal dangers and ties that come with emotional intimacy. Eros love is best kept on a leash, and I struggled with this.

Over the course of a few years we managed to bruise one another up. A toxic cycle of tears,  social media stalking and denial, both of us wanting to be better than we were and striving to be what we weren’t, had us wiped.

During my last year of college, between trying to graduate, my parent’s separation, deciding what was next for me, and out discussions of engagement, my emotions bubbled over. Instead, Camilo turned his attention to another girl.  I was left feeling blind-sided and turned upside down. And after fumbling through a response, we decided what we had couldn’t be fixed or put back together. Like a puzzle we tried to create ourselves, the edges never quite fit exactly right.

Storgi Love

Storgi love is the love familiarity-love between family, or in our case also friends. When years of our relationship came tumbling down, it could have gone a few ways. Nothing about it was easy, but what our friends, mentors and family kept from doing was isolating either of us from places that were home. Our community of friends, our church, and those closest to us were challenging, supportive, and fought hard not to take sides. This kind of love I think is rare, but so important.

I’ve met and known girls (or guys!) who no longer feel welcome in their small groups or church communities because of relationships ending. No doubt it will be awkward. No doubt, there will be days you have to step in the bathroom and cry for a minute. But fight to keep your people, fight to love your family and friends who are family well. Isolation is where the enemy has too much authority so don’t let the end of any relationship push to believe you’re “alone”.  I know it’s not always easy to fight this, but it’s worth it.

Over the next year or so, it was our family and friends who loved us both into better versions of ourselves. Storgi love isn’t what people write novels about, but without it a romantic relationship would be hard-pressed to become who are supposed to become.

Agape Love

There’s a lot of ways to describe the love of God. Overwhelming. Forgiving. Justifying. Fierce. But the most accurate depiction of God’s love is a love that offers you the very best, when you deserve the worst. And that’s exactly what he did for both Camilo and I.

Over a year later God began stirring in Camilo’s heart  that we might still have a future. Despite everything. In the eyes of the world this wouldn’t make sense. Too much was broken. But God is in the business of bringing dead things back to life, and putting things in order.

I thought Camilo was crazy when he shared this with me. I didn’t want anything to do with that idea. But over time, as I began to offload my fear and pain onto Jesus, I could see clearly that I might want the same thing. It had just been buried in the mess of what was.

What had we learned? Through us both understanding more fully the divine and full love of God, we were able to see that you simply can’t place God-sized expectations on humans. And because we both understood better the model of how Christ loves us we learned more quickly how to treat one another. Removing human-made expectations. Replacing them with holy, modeled expectations for one another. And knowing that God is the only one who can truly sustain us. These three realities changed everything for us.

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A note from Emily

In May 24, 2020 Camilo and I got married. No part of this story has been easy. And I don’t expect it all to be in the future either. But if you’re reading this I want you to know that you need more people in your life than a husband (or wife), so take care of them. The idolatry of marriage and relationships, will keep you from having a healthy one. Please see how incredible you are and seek wholeness apart from a girl/boyfriend or spouse. And learn as soon as you can, how to depend on the One who made you and knows you better than anyone will. We believe in you and the calling God has on your life, if it’s marriage, motherhood, singleness, teaching, a career, or a mix of any of those in different seasons.