Engagement: How to Survive and Thrive
Well, this week America entered the age of an epidemic. While I'm wedding planning.
It's both mildly funny, irritating, and you know, a bit alarming. But even without COVID trying to steal my deposits, something is true about engagement. And I'm going to say it. I'm going to so you don't have to.
You ready?
Well. Engagement can be really hard.
Seriously. And before everyone starts getting offended- if you've been there you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not-well let me explain.
Somehow, in this time, the following shall happen. Shall happen all at once. And shall happen before the alarm of a wedding sounds:
You (or your guy) will buy a large expensive ring and pick a date.
You will become temporary co-workers with the love of your life, make decisions that impact you both even though you've never done this before. Will be forced to become some sort of color magician to create a beautiful environment. Will learn firsthand how each makes decisions with money while you are watching them spend YOUR money.
And while you're at it, the two of you will sit down with a counselor who will drag out all your dirty laundry in front of each other along with your deepest insecurities and ask you to work through them, while planning things like family holidays and table charts.
And oh yes- in all your spare time, will write 1 trillion thank you cards. Test your greatest friendships by building a coordinated fashion show and make them all hang out together.
Sounds fun right?
I am being KIND OF dramatic-but only kind of. I know this season is worth it and there is a purpose behind all things, but that doesn't make it easy. This season is also the closest you will ever be to making a family, and the Devil hates that. He hates it when we commit to stand together under God and build the kingdom, and this almost one, but not quite one is a great time for him to sneak in and create strife. So if you're feeling the heat- take it as a compliment.
All of that to say, I wanted to give you something that's helpful, isn't over-spiritualized, is honest, and speaks to your spirit. I've listened to so many podcasts about how to save money, how to pick bridesmaid dresses, and how to even manage conflict when wedding planning. I've also heard a lot of people talk about how "sweet this season is." If that's you I'm glad. But when I hear that, I kind of gag. And then fantasize how that couple negotiated bridal party numbers with so much peace. :)
So, if you're in engagement or about to be (and maybe secretly aren't in loving it) here's a few things for you.
1. You've got to let go of those expectations like a good wax.
I'll tell you what I told a friend of mine. You've got to release all your expectations of this season baby. And I don't know about the boys-but we ladies have a lot of them. Whether it was that you and your fiancé would fall into perfect harmony because you have a ring, or you've been dreaming of your wedding your whole life and are now seeing the price tags on your dreams. Or maybe your family is having a hard time with your engagement. Whatever it is, it's not what you planned on as a kid. This time is the most fantasized prologue our culture has ever given us. It's the story before the kiss at the end of the movie, or so we hoped.
It will hurt to let go of what you've been holding onto, but the magic we've all been promised can still be there. It's just more refined, and we've got to have room to look for it by clearing out the many expectations in your head.
2. Stay on the health of your relationship like you're staying on your dress vendor.
Camilo and I are in month four of our six-month engagement. I'm really glad we decided to move this ship quickly! But the reality of any relationship is that there is a finite amount of time-and when you're engaged it's easy for all of the time in that bucket to go to logistics. It's rarely anyone's fault that you're forgetting normal healthy relationship things. To combat this I've found the questions below can help re-center my thoughts and heart when it feels like you're trying to balance on the house of cards called your "dream wedding".
If you're feeling a bit of the weight, try these engagement questions:
Is this decision based on expectations (of marriage, of engagement, of a "good" wedding)? Or is this decision based on wisdom?
Am I letting wedding planning be the predominant thing I talk to my fiancé about? Am I remembering to ask them about themselves outside of wedding planning?
Am I taking time to thank God and trust God with our future marriage as much as I am working to plan a wedding?
With each deposit or vendor confirmation, am I depositing the Word into myself?
Am I giving my partner grace as we enter this very new realm of team decision-making?
These are not to be overwhelming, but helpful reminders of why you're here in the first place. I promise time in prayer for your fiancé is more valuable than picking the perfect chargers for the table setting. In fact, you don't even need those.
3. Netflix and take a walk in the park.
No-no chill;) What I am saying is, don't forget to hang out with your person. Right now it might feel like there's so much to do and you just don't have time to chill with each other, but my guess is that this could be a new norm. When y'all have kids or are moving up in your companies, you won't have time then either. So why don't you learn now how to guard spaces where you get to be with one another outside of things you have to do. It's a skill you're going to need, so if what colored napkins to choose has you pressed-maybe just watch a movie.
These are just a few helpful moments, but I challenge you to take a question from above and try each one out every day. Use them as small reminders to transform an environment of stress into a space of peace and stability, despite the pressures that be.
A prayer for you and your fiancé from us:
Jesus, thank you for whoever is reading this. I understand that there can be a lot weighing in on this moment. More than plans or venues, but family history, baggage, trust issues, and more. We feel that. But we also believe you are greater. You are the re-writer of broken stories, you are the redeemer of unexpected wins. You know what it feels like to feel alone, to be betrayed, and to be overwhelmed with what you are called to-so much more so than us. So help us find holy empathy in you, and courage to handle every stressful moment with grace. Thank you for loving us and acting as the ultimate model for the journey we are about to embark on.
We love you! Amen.
In the meantime take some cute engagement photos ;) you've got this!
